I loved this movie so scary but I like ending in movies MUCH better.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ALTERNATE ENDING

Here I am with all the pleasures of the first world
Laid out before me who am I to breakdown?

Everyday I wake up,
I choose Love
I choose Light
And I try, it’s too easy just to fall apart

Oh my baby don’t be so distressed
Were done with politesse
It’s time to be so brutally honest about
The way we think long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

And here we are with the pleasures of the first world
It’s laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try, it’s too easy just to fall apart

Plastic Bottles
Imported Water
Cars we drive wherever we want to
Clothes we buy it’s sweatshop labor
Drugs from corporate enablers
We’re not living the Good life
Unless we’re fighting the Good fight
You and Me just trying to get it right

In the center of the first world
It’s laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try, it’s too easy just to fall apart

Love can free us from all excess
From our deepest debts
Cause when our hearts are full we need much less

Yea i know we long for something fine
When we pine for higher ceilings
And bourgeois happy feelings

But Here we are in the center of the first world
It’s laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Here we are in the center of the first world
It’s laid out before us, who are we to break down?

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try, it’s too easy just to fall apart

Everyday we wake up
We choose Love
We choose light
And we try, it’s too easy just to fall apart

Honey why you calling me so late?
It’s kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?
I gotta whisper ’cause I can’t be too loud

Well, my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s funny that you’re calling me tonight
And, yes, I’ve dreamt of you too
And does he know you’re talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don’t think she has a clue

Well my girl’s in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It’s really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It’s really good to hear your voice say my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late?

Why do I need HIM to like me? He was talking about an ex and I was listening to him talk about how her insecurities ruined their relationship. I thought “how immature of her”. How could she let her insecurities ruin possiblities?

Then as the dinner progressed, he mentioned

a post from www.p0v.net called Onions

when you say I thought about a million times and that it would take 7 days to do this

If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours

Humans can no longer create computers without the aid of a computer

And so much more intelligence.

I was thinking of sharing my blog with him and then I thought “Fuck no”. Its not good enough. I think it was the sum of the night that was too much for me.

The sushi. How the fuck do you eat edamame, what the fuck do you do with this wet napkin, did he put his napkin in his lap already? Fuck mine is still on the table. I never hold chopsticks right-will he notice? Why am I so fucking self conscious?
Then I read onions. So eloquent and it occurred to me that I always felt less than around him.
not skinny enough
not pretty enough
not smart enough
not witty enough

I was tired from being up with Michael. I am post partum fat with boobs full of breastmilk and he looks hot. I want to be fucking hot now! And he said John thought I was hot. I immediately thought “but what about you?” Did you ever think I was hot? I couldn’t think to speak and I felt tired. I was so friggin excited to be out doing something fun, I looked around the resturant and was so happy to be there and with him. It reminds me of life before baby and before marriage. Then I felt like a fraud. Like I don’t deserve to be there and this isn’t me anymore.

AND if I am so happy to be there with him, then he should be equally happy. And I have decided that he is not. His indifference to me is difficult for me AGAIN. It adds to the feelings of inadequacy and rejection. I have been rejected by him so many times. I actually started thinking: are we gonna do this again? are we gonna be friends? when? Doesn’t that sound like an insecure girlfriend? Instead of a confident, MARRIED (happily so), woman. What the hell is going on with me?

Doesn’t it make it all worse that I couldn’t tell H that I went to dinner with old A.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I think this song shoulda been in the movie and redone. I like it too.

cute little hair that I can comb now
what color is it anyway?
streaks of brown, black, blond, red,
beautiful brown eyes that smile when they see me
cuddly little snuggles into my shoulder
falling asleep while nursing so beautiful laying on my lap
those eye lashes are scrumptious!
playing lazily with my hair as he nurses
looking up at me as he tries to walk-smiling broadly
lifting his arms up to be held
laughing hysterically at the beeping noise the toy makes
so soft soooo soft
still stops crying when I sing the stupid song
giggling softly as his daddy tickles his foot

O my god he is so perfect, so precious. I am so blessed. Thank you. Thank you.

Letting a little crazy settle in. Guess thats where I feel most comfortable.
Just crazy.
Not doing what I know is best for me. Crazy.
Gravity is pulling me towards crazy. Very vulnerable to it.

I really thought the lack of sex was cuz of the baby hormone thing and being tired but for me it is lack of timing. We’ll just have to fit it in between diapering, feeding and play.

Healthy baby boy
Gummy smiles
Almost laughter
Time to spend with him
Sticky poopy diapers
Snuggly little body
Cutest little hands and feet
Tiniest little knee caps
Chunky tiny wrists
Beautiful eyes staring at me
Gurgles and blurps of trying to talk
Soft smooth skin
Sniffing his baby head
Kissing his little cheeks
Loving him so much
thank you, thank you, thank you universe for giving me the best gift from the heavens.