I can not believe it. I had a great time but I can’t believe it. Same old shit years later.
Why do I need HIM to like me? He was talking about an ex and I was listening to him talk about how her insecurities ruined their relationship. I thought “how immature of her”. How could she let her insecurities ruin possiblities?
Then as the dinner progressed, he mentioned
a post from www.p0v.net called Onions
when you say I thought about a million times and that it would take 7 days to do this
If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours
Humans can no longer create computers without the aid of a computer
And so much more intelligence.
I was thinking of sharing my blog with him and then I thought “Fuck no”. Its not good enough. I think it was the sum of the night that was too much for me.
The sushi. How the fuck do you eat edamame, what the fuck do you do with this wet napkin, did he put his napkin in his lap already? Fuck mine is still on the table. I never hold chopsticks right-will he notice? Why am I so fucking self conscious?
Then I read onions. So eloquent and it occurred to me that I always felt less than around him.
not skinny enough
not pretty enough
not smart enough
not witty enough
I was tired from being up with Michael. I am post partum fat with boobs full of breastmilk and he looks hot. I want to be fucking hot now! And he said John thought I was hot. I immediately thought “but what about you?” Did you ever think I was hot? I couldn’t think to speak and I felt tired. I was so friggin excited to be out doing something fun, I looked around the resturant and was so happy to be there and with him. It reminds me of life before baby and before marriage. Then I felt like a fraud. Like I don’t deserve to be there and this isn’t me anymore.
AND if I am so happy to be there with him, then he should be equally happy. And I have decided that he is not. His indifference to me is difficult for me AGAIN. It adds to the feelings of inadequacy and rejection. I have been rejected by him so many times. I actually started thinking: are we gonna do this again? are we gonna be friends? when? Doesn’t that sound like an insecure girlfriend? Instead of a confident, MARRIED (happily so), woman. What the hell is going on with me?
Doesn’t it make it all worse that I couldn’t tell H that I went to dinner with old A.
WHAT THE FUCK?
